Have you ever been angry with God? I have. I’m not talking about being angry for a few hours or days. I stayed angry for years. I still believed in Him, but I was definitely not doing anything to show it. I was living a life full of sin and truly didn’t care.
Looking back on that time, it makes me so sad. I felt very guilty for a long time until I started reading and actually understanding the Bible. I turned my life and will back over to God, confessed my sins and asked for His forgiveness. I spent time with God, reading, praying and just talking to Him like I would a friend.
You see, I honestly did not know that it was okay to do that. That might not make sense to some people, but I grew up believing that I was bad, undeserving of God’s love, forgiveness, grace or anything else. This started at an extremely young age. It’s true, we are sinful by nature and I knew that. Nobody “deserves” God’s forgiveness, but He gives it to us anyways. That is why God sent Jesus to be crucified-for our sins and for us to be able to go to Heaven. I knew that if someone confessed their sins and truly wanted forgiveness, they would receive it. It was just that I didn’t think that applied to me.
As an adult, after starting my recovery from my drug addiction, I thought to myself, ” Why? Why don’t I feel like I deserve His forgiveness? Why would I have felt this way even as a child?”
I came up with more than one answer. It seems obvious now but only because I finally started to deal with issues I had been trying to ignore since childhood. I was sexually abused by my biological father from the ages of two until I was eight-years-old. I have blocked most of these memories but I still suffer from them and there are still about a handful that I remember very well. I have mentioned in other parts of my blog that I suffer from Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder. This is the cause of that. It has affected every area of my life, even spiritually. I thought God allowed the abuse to happen and that he did not protect me. Now that I have matured in my spiritual journey, I am understanding things a lot differently. God gives us free will. God did NOT allow anything bad to happen to me. My biological father had free will and abusing me was one of the terrible things that he chose to do with it. God was protecting me even though I could not see it and did not know it at the time. That is why I have blocked out so many of the memories. He gave all of us what I call “survival or coping techniques” to use in situations like this.
Another confusing aspect to the entire situation was that my biological father also preached on occasion in the church I attended as a child. So, not only did I associate my Heavenly Father with the abuse because my abuser was my father here on earth but I also did not trust God because my dad would preach His Word and then we would come home and he would molest me. I am sure that I came to a point where I would have rather just stayed completely away from God. I know, as I said previously, that I thought I was bad and that I did not “deserve” to be saved and go to Heaven. That makes sense to me now. My innocence was stolen from me and the only reason I could come up with in my young mind was that I must have deserved it for some reason. I think I must have truly believed that until just a few years ago.
My biological father committed suicide five days before my fourteenth birthday. His funeral was on my actual birthday and then I started high school as a freshman three days after that. This all occurred while my grandmother was dying from cancer and my mother was healing from surgery due to breast cancer. I am still working on forgiving my biological father but I do not hold any negative feelings towards God at all. Like I already said, I know in my heart, that he was there every second protecting me and helping me to get through it. He has never left my side and I feel extremely lucky for that. I also now know that no matter what I have experienced in the past and will experience in the future, there is always a purpose. I may not know what the purpose is, but I do not need to. God does and that is good enough for me.