I have read suggestions about personal blogs and I am sure from the research I have done that most people would agree that I have shared way too much information about myself. I can understand why some would think that. I would have to disagree though. The reasons that I decided to start writing this blog and have tried my best to continue on with it are simple. I want to help other people and it has also become very therapeutic for me, which is something I did not expect. My only goal at the beginning of writing this blog was to “pass it on” which if you are not familiar, is the twelfth step of addiction recovery groups. I know that I have had the experiences I have had for a reason and I feel as though part of that reason is to be able to help someone else. I received help from others who had been in my shoes and if I can share anything at all that might help encourage another person or just let them know that they are not alone, then I feel as though it is worth it to put myself out there and share my experiences, no matter how good, bad or indifferent they may be. At first, I had only planned on writing about my addiction and recovery but then I started to feel differently about it. I decided to share about the abuse I went through because so many young girls and women are abused every day. I just wish there was more I could do and I hope to be able to one day. That is why I started back to college before I got pregnant. I was majoring in Christian Counseling. Counseling or child advocacy are two things I am very interested in doing. I would also love to write a book someday.
I have recently gone back to counseling after being diagnosed with postpartum anxiety and have started to deal with the abuse from my childhood. It is obvious to me and my counselor that my addiction and many other things that have happened since then have all occurred basically as symptoms of the first issue, the sexual abuse. That is the one thing I still have basically been in denial about, at least to some degree. I was sick and tired of being a victim and just wanted to move on and forget about it all, including my biological father’s suicide. I even had counselor’s in the past tell me that I just needed to forgive and forget or let the past stay in the past. I have probably heard every saying there is to hear and so I started to believe it. It sure sounded easier than actually having to work through any of these issues and having to try to bring up old memories that I have long forgotten and mostly blocked out of my head. That is the true work I am beginning now. I am so fortunate to have found a Christian Counselor that knows what to do about this and is willing to truly help me. One of the biggest reasons I decided to go back to counseling is because of my son. He deserves a healthy mom, a mom that is not depressed or anxious or suffering from PTSD symptoms all of the time. I am, however, not naive. I am aware that this will take a long time to work through. It took me a long time to get to where I am now. I also know that some of the symptoms might never fully disappear but I can accept that. I just know that my son deserves the best mom that I can give him and I will never stop working towards that goal. At first, I did not even feel like I deserved to fully heal. I guess I felt as though since I have made so many bad decisions in the past, I deserved to be miserable. I now know that is not the case. I know that God wants me to be happy and I am on my way to true happiness now. God has blessed me with a miracle in my son and he can always bring a smile to my face.